Hurtful relations explored

Community educator Beth Chapman of Human Options spoke about unhealthy relationships at Wednesday’s PTA Coffee Break.

Human Options, originally founded in Laguna Beach, conducts violence prevention programs at many county schools, at all grade levels.

Chapman, a Laguna Beach High School graduate, shared her experience with a toxic boyfriend.

“If it can happen to me, it can happen to anybody,” she said.

She presented her story as she would for students, in a third-person tale.

When Chapman was a freshman, she met “Josh,” a senior; he bought her gifts and said he loved her very early in the relationship.

But soon she began to witness his temper, jealousy and possessiveness.

Vicious circle

“The scary part is, these people feel entitled to have this kind of power and control,” Chapman said.

In the cycle of violence, there is an initial honeymoon phase, usually involving gifts and early protestations of love, followed by a tension phase, where warning signs begin to appear. Then, a violent eruption occurs, often with one or many of the four types of abuse: emotional, mental, physical or sexual. This is followed by an “I’m sorry” phase, which leads back into complacency.

“This cycle always repeats itself,” Chapman said.

In elementary school, the primary form of acting out in this way is through bullying. By the time a child reaches middle school, they could begin experiencing relationship issues, although bullying is still a major issue.

In high school, relationship issues predominate; bullying takes a back seat, except in girl-to-girl situations.

Historically, teens and young adults within the ages of 15 to 24 had the most risk of being in an unhealthy relationship, but the demographics are getting younger, Chapman said.

Parent Michelle Jaeger commented that Laguna kids need to be shown such things happen locally, not just on the nightly news.

She was concerned that the Coffee Break had a lower turnout than previous events, which she attributed to parents’ reluctance to face the possibility of abuse in their community.

“We don’t want to hear it, which keeps it a secret,” she said.

Some parents shared findings that most abusers have borderline personality disorder, but Chapman and other experts disagreed.

“The leading belief of abuse is that it’s a learned behavior,” Chapman said.

The abuser emulates the actions of parental figures or friends; the abusee often has a naive belief that they can change the abuser, she said.

Techniques of abuse

Chapman typically asks students she’s working with about the signs of unhealthy and healthy relationships. The latter include traits like trust, safety, communication, equality and respect.

The former can include abuse, power struggles, exploitation and fear.

Many students have told Chapman that feelings of jealousy are normal and to be expected, but Chapman replies by telling them a lot of people have such feelings, the difference is in how they act upon such feelings.

Chapman described the lack of positive role models in today’s media, compared with the ideal families presented in television shows of the past.

With foul language now commonplace in the media, people don’t respond to such words as they used to, Chapman said, creating another method of emotional degradation.

Abusive partners tend to create an atmosphere of isolation, Chapman said; a new sense of normalcy is developed when outside influences are removed. Verbal abuse steadily destroys the partner’s self-esteem.

Abusers also attempt to recreate history: A push is turned into a tumble. The abusee then parrots the story when asked about the bruise.

There are no silver bullets to detecting abusers, but a major warning sign is if the person hits things when angry. They also blame others for their problems, and often come from broken homes, which isn’t an automatic indicator. Look for whether a relationship progresses too quickly; if their child is pulling away from their family and friends; if they dress or eat differently to please their significant other; or if their self-esteem plummets.

Another warning sign is if someone makes hundreds of calls or text messages over a short period of time, then acts normal when the person finally answers their phone.

Getting away

Although her mother and friends disapproved, Chapman continued seeing “Josh” through high school — despite his abusive tendencies and frightening behavior.

Finally, Chapman went away to college, which she saw as an opportunity to escape from him.

Years later, when Chapman returned to Orange County, “Josh” got in contact with her again. Chapman realized that although she had grown in the past nine years, “Josh” had never changed.

She now tells teens that if all of their friends and family don’t like the person they’re dating, it may be a sign that the relationship isn’t healthy.

Chapman urged parents and friends to continue mentioning the perceived ill-treatment, even if nothing seems to change the abusee.

“Maybe they won’t leave when you want them to leave, but maybe they’ll leave a little sooner,” Chapman said.

She said to be nonjudgmental in confronting the person, describing a group of friends who did a loving intervention for a teen by asking her to write down all the bad things their boyfriend did for one week.

By the time she had written down five pages of mistreatment, the girl was ready to end the relationship.

Parents who explicitly forbid their children from seeing someone turn that person into “forbidden fruit;” Chapman recommended setting limits but empowering the teen to make some decisions on their own.

She said a good way to empower teens is with state law: If anyone over the age of 18 does anything sexual to someone under 18, it’s considered statutory rape. Then, if the person feels pressed or forced, they have a “legitimate” excuse not to participate, which may seem more valid than parents’ rules.

When someone attempts to break up with the abuser, the abuser often threatens to harm themselves or others.

The threat to inflict self-harm often makes many codependent partners stay in the relationship.

For more information on Human Options, visit www.humanoptions.org.