GOLF:

When the boss of the paper e-mailed me with a request to play golf with him, I immediately treated it like spam and nuked it from my inbox.

I avoided him for most of the following two weeks, but he sensed the dodging tactics and cornered me in the cafeteria. He asked me if I was ready for the following Monday.

“Of course I am, wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

OK, I didn’t have any more great aunts left, so calling in at the last minute to cancel, using the “I have to fly to Paraguay for the funeral” wasn’t an option. I was playing golf with the boss, but more importantly I was going to try and keep my job.

An outing of golf sounds like fun, but mix it with the person who holds your career in their hands and it can be as comforting as an IRS audit.

Employees have to be on their toes from the minute they step out of the car at the course. Always meet at the course. Don’t make the mistake of carpooling. You’re going to be on a course with your boss for four to five hours, you don’t need another 30 minutes in the car. Besides, when the round is over, you might want to go to the nearest bar and reassess your career options.

The first thing your boss is going to see is how you dress. That’s because you made certain to park your 1998 Ford Focus in the far reaches of the parking lot, right next to the assistant to the assistant greens keeper. Get over the bitterness that the glorified gardener drives a better car than you.

The outfit you wear when you play on Saturdays with your friends is better left at home. Your boss doesn’t want to see camouflage shorts and a hat that says “I need beer” that your friends find hysterical.

Instead, wear long pants and a polo shirt, even if it’s 100 degrees outside. Sweater vest is recommended, but optional. You want to make a good impression. Falling over with heat exhaustion will be tolerated more than shabby dress, as long as you don’t miss any time off of work.

Always let your boss dictate the day. If he wants to go hit balls for an hour, blister your hands in the next stall on the range. My game is predicated on no practice whatsoever and fortunately my boss doesn’t need to practice, so I avoided that.

When you go to the first tee, the boss always decides the order. If he wants you to hit first, hit first. Don’t say, “Well I don’t want to embarrass you with a drive you could only dream about.”

Some other sayings I learned not to utter were, “Castle Park called and they want their putter back.” “I didn’t know a ball could skip so many times on water” and “I’ve seen worst shots, but I really can’t remember when.”

Instead, try these lines that are a bit more diplomatic. “That was nicely topped, sir.” “That ball was probably defective” “The wind must have pushed your tee shot backwards 50 yards” and “That wasn’t a shank, it was a power fade.”

Also let the boss drive the cart. I made the mistake of driving and how was I supposed to know there was a ravine there? Of course we wouldn’t have been over there if we weren’t looking for his ball. I didn’t say that though, and I am sure I scored a lot of points on the day.

JOHN REGER’s golf column appears Thursdays.