COMMENTS & CURIOSITIES:

It’s about time. It was at 2 this morning anyway. Did you remember? If you didn’t, no worries, go back to bed. I won’t tell.

Interesting, though. Daylight saving time is one of those things everyone knows about but nobody understands.

By the way, why does the spring forward part happen so early now? Is it spring? I don’t think so. Just one more irksome mystery like “why can’t you tickle yourself?” Or what came first, turkey the bird or Turkey the country? Or why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?

And who is the voice that says “You’ve got mail!” and “File’s done.” Clearly, these are important questions that need to be answered, and you have my word, we will. But only after we attempt to explain daylight saving time, which you will find, cannot be done.

There are about as many explanations for daylight saving time as there are for the price of gasoline, and none of them make much sense.

For a long time, people had a vague idea that we tinker with time twice a year to help farmers, which is ironic, because farmers hate daylight saving time with a passion.

Next time you’re on a farm, take a really close look at the cows. You’ll notice they don’t wear watches. That’s because they could care less what time it is. When cows need to be milked, they need to be milked. Period. Both the cows and the farmers stumble out of bed at exactly the same time every day regardless of where the big hand is or isn’t.

Believe it or not, there were no time zones and no standard time system in the United States until 1883. Before that, time was basically whatever the locals said it was.

Everyone in town set their watch by the clock tower or the church bells or a clock in the jeweler’s window. It might be off now and then by a few minutes, or a lot of minutes, but when the clock or the bell tower said it was half past noon, it was half past noon and that was the end of it, doggone it all.

The British adopted daylight saving time in 1916 to save fuel and electricity during World War I.

We followed suit with the United States Standard Time Act of 1918, which farmers across the land hated, a lot. They raised hell down on the farm and everywhere else until Congress repealed it in 1919.

Franklin Roosevelt, a.k.a. FDR, re-introduced daylight saving time during World War II to save fuel and energy. It was called “war time” and was in effect all year long.

When the war was over, daylight saving went back in the closet once again. Twenty years later, Congress passed the “Uniform Time Act of 1966,” which standardized exactly when the big hand would be moved back, or forward, then permanently adopted “daylight saving time” in 1973 as a response to the energy crisis of the time.

Individual states could opt out of daylight saving time, which Arizona and Hawaii still do, because when it’s July in Phoenix and it’s 114 degrees, letting the sun go down as soon as possible is a good thing.

A new daylight saving time act in 1986 said those hands will slide forward on the first Sunday of April and back on the last Sunday of October.

In 2005, the Energy Policy Act was passed and said that from 2007 on, daylight saving time will kick in on the second Sunday of March, which is today, and will end on the first Sunday of November, which is not today.

Why all the fiddling and futzing with time every few years? There is no actual human being-type person alive today who can answer that. But let’s get to the good stuff. We are way overdue.

What came first, turkey the bird or Turkey the country? Turkey the country came first. Turkey the bird is native to North America. When Spanish explorers first brought turkeys back to Europe, most people mistook it for a guinea hen, a delicacy in Turkey.

Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii? Because they were built and paid for as part of Eisenhower’s Interstate Highway program in the 1950s, not because they go to other states, which would be silly, because you’d drown.

Who is the guy that says “You’ve got mail!” and “File’s done.” His name is Elwood Edwards — a voice-over actor from Ohio. In 1989, Edwards’ wife was working at a company called Quantum Computer Services and overheard someone say they needed a pleasant voice for their new Internet mail program. Edwards got the gig and soon after that the company changed its name to “America Online.” When AOL was launched, it was, and still is, Elwood Edwards who says, “Welcome!” You’ve got mail!” “File’s done,” and “Goodbye!”

OK fine, but here’s what I want to know. How does he know you have mail? And when he says, “Goodbye!” how do you know he’s not still in there, watching you?

Finally, the question that trumps every other question in the collective human consciousness: Why can’t you tickle yourself? Because the flinching that ticklish people do — I can be made to do anything imaginable at just the threat of being tickled — is a “surprise” reflex. Since your hand is controlled by your brain, your brain knows exactly where you’re going to squeeze yourself before you do it, so ixnay on the surprise, which means you can’t tickle yourself.

So that’s it then. Can you find this kind of information anywhere else? Possibly, but I doubt it. Now you know everything there is to know about time, space, turkey, Turkey and Elwood Edwards. Oh, look … file’s done!

I gotta go.

PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Sundays. He may be reached at ptrb4@aol.com.