COMMENTS & CURIOSITIES:

Wanna dance? I do. I also want to play centerfield for the Yankees, but that’s not going to happen either.

As far as anyone can tell, I have no talent that has ever been detected by a person or device, and that certainly includes dancing.

Picture a giraffe on a ski slope. I’m a little less graceful than that. Seriously. They’ve done tests. But there are certain people who will be dancing their little shoes and big hearts out May 9 at a benefit gala for the Newport-Mesa Assistance League at the Hyatt Regency Irvine.

It’s called “Dancing for Tomorrow’s Stars” and it’s based, sort of, on the wildly popular “Dancing with the Stars” TV series in which celebrities pair with professional dancers and dance like the wind, more or less.

The Assistance League’s version may not be Cyd Charisse and Gene Kelly but it is a lot of fun and couldn’t be for a better cause.

The Assistance League of Newport-Mesa is the oldest philanthropic organization in the area, founded in 1940, which was a long time ago. Things were different in 1940. There were no hybrids, cell phones had little hand-cranks and you could get a decaf latte at Starbucks for $2.25, which is hard to believe.

What’s easier to believe is the great work the Assistance League of Newport-Mesa does with an all-volunteer operation with more than 700 members and a long list of programs that help kids from low-income families in Newport-Mesa.

And that brings us to this year’s “Dancing for Tomorrow’s Stars” and its litany of local luminaries that includes Alexandros Bletsos, Sandy Segerstrom Daniels, Kristina Dodge, Tim Kashani, Ralph and Sherry Opacic and Mindy Stearns.

Here’s how it works. Each of the above has been paired with a professional dancer and has spent weeks modifying their moves, buffing their boogaloo and getting their groove on.

Since I am without moves, boogaloo or groove, I’m not sure how one does that but I know it’s a lot of work.

An exception to the professional dance partner part is the first husband and wife team in “Dancing for Tomorrow’s Stars” history, Ralph and Sherry Opacic, who will venture onto the dance floor without a trained professional in attendance, which gives new meaning to the word “fearless.”

Beyond that, this year’s competitors will have a high bar to clear after last year’s star-studded dance-off that included Jim Doti, Wing “Wahoo’s” Lam and the woman who stole the show — as if anyone didn’t know that was going to happen — Julia Argyros.

She and her dance pro partner did a bolero that was maravillosa, Spanish for “very cool,” followed closely by a full-sizzle salsa number.

Jim Doti’s performance was spectacular and only someone that as trim as Jim could have pulled off the cover your eyes-“Saturday Night Fever” meets “Scarface” blindingly white suit that Jim wore in his second number.

I’m not sure if he was channeling Tony Manero or Tony Montana but it was one of them I tell you.

This year, when the house lights go down and the spotlights fade up, the toe-tapping teams will be rated, debated and slated by a daunting panel of judges that includes Julia Argyros — this time sans dancing shoes — philanthropist and Emulex Emperor Paul Folino and Chapman University Film School Dean Bob Bassett.

MC-Meister Ed Arnold and ABC-7 entertainment reporter Geroge Penacchio will attempt to maintain order, although with that many well-dressed people whooping it up and cheering on their favorite couple, it’s hard.

Nonetheless, in an effort to impart some equity to the judging, I have developed a number of competitive dance guidelines based on my experience on the dance floor, most if not all of which was hopefully never seen by anyone, alive or otherwise.

1. Smiles count: Dancers should look like they’re having fun, not having an MRI. And no frozen-in-place/Vanna White smiles. I’m not sure how much fun it is to stand at a big board and flip letters over but no one should smile that much. Vanna smile — subtract two points.

2. Partner-stomping: one point for stepping on toes, two points for a crushed instep, three points for screams, four points for expletives.

3. Trip and falls: depends on the severity of the injuries — bruises, no deductions; abrasions, no stitches, two points; severe sprains and fractures, three points each; unconsciousness and anything that requires a 911 call, disqualification, no point score.

4. Wardrobe malfunctions: Use a sliding scale based on the wardrobe element involved and the dancer. Let the audience be your guide: gasps, grumbling, angry sounds, subtract 4 points. Men and/or women whistling, standing on chairs waving napkins above head and screaming “Yeaaaa-yah!” — add 4 points. Could it be any simpler? I don’t see how.

That’s it then. If you want to have more fun than most people deserve and help a great organization at the same time, just call (949) 645-6929 or go to the Assistance League’s website at www.alnm.org It’s so easy you’ll look like Gene Kelly sliding down a 60-foot banister and landing on his feet.

Don’t try that at home. If you miss, it’s bad. Forward…side… together…back. Repeat. I gotta go.

PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Sundays. He may be reached at ptrb4@aol.com.