Sounding Off:

Dear Mr. President;

First Draft: “The Norwegians like you! They really, really like you!”

Second Draft: “Congratulations on your Nobel Peace Prize. I noticed you didn’t get the Nobel Prize for Economics. I guess the Norwegians read the newspapers…”

Third Draft: “Since your coronation was on Jan. 20, and since the deadline for nomination for your Nobel Prize was Feb. 1, it’s pretty obvious that you promoted peace by not declaring war on anybody during that 12-day period.”

Fourth Draft: “I’ve heard you’re a shoo-in for the Heisman Trophy. That’s because it’s reported you watched a college football game last Saturday.”

Fifth Draft: “Since the Nobel foundation is funded by Alfred Nobel’s fortune, and since he invented dynamite, it looks a bit like the Norwegians threw a figurative stick of dynamite into our political process.”

Sixth Draft: “Maybe this award is meant to be an Oslovian Band-aid over the Copenhagian injury caused by the spanking the Danes gave you over the Olympics last week.”

Seventh Draft: “My compliments on being the fist Kenyan-born president of the United States to receive this prestigious award.”

Eighth Draft: “It must be nice to join the ranks of other noted Peace Prize recipients, including Kofi Annan, ex-UN secretary general who oversaw the Rwandan genocide and the oil for food program; Yasser Arafat, that well-known Palestinian terrorist; Al Gore, the guy who invented the Internet and single-handedly created global warming; and Jimmy Carter, our most famous home builder.”

Ninth Draft: “While I offer a sitting ovation on your selection for this prestigious award, I suggest that there may be others even more qualified than you. Like, maybe Rodney King.”

10th Draft: “This is proof that five Norwegian guys in a room can write better material than Jon Stewart and Colbert and everybody on Leno’s staff combined.”

11th Draft: “I understand that Keith Olbermann and the gang at MSNBC were so overjoyed when they got the news that they invited all 16 of their viewers over for a party.”

Final Draft: “Don’t let them say you aren’t deserving of this award. After all, you made peace between the little black college professor and that stupid racist white cop, didn’t you?”

CHUCK CASSITY lives in Costa Mesa.