Comments & Curiosities:

It’s almost here. Holy Cat. How did this happen? I have no idea. Halloween was, what, three weeks ago? Thanksgiving was last Thursday, right?

Never mind that now. Are you ready? Seriously? What do you mean “no”? You’ve got five days left, 120 hours, 7,200 minutes, 432,000 seconds. Why are you still here?

In the time it took to read those numbers, you could have bought 75-cent gifts, built at least one layer of the seven layer cookies or trimmed two-thirds of a branch. Time is running out, and even if you think you’re ready, in your heart, you know you’re not. Don’t panic. Stress management is a skill, especially at the holidays, and luckily for you, I am a trained professional.

You should have come to me sooner, but we can work through this together. Lesson one: You are not alone. Lots of people stress over the holidays. Psychologists even have a name for it. It’s called “lots of people stress over the holidays.”

We did the Complete 2009 Gift Guide last week so you’re all set there, right? What? You’re not done? Oh wow. You are doomed.

But just remember this, no matter how much pressure and anxiety you feel now, it’ll get much worse before it’s over.

Whenever things get really bad and all you want for Christmas is Dec. 26, just keep this in mind: Christmas is a time for families to come together in love and respect and to put petty differences aside.

It doesn’t matter if his sister drives you crazy or you have to force yourself to say three civil words to her cousin, always remember, the holidays aren’t about being with people you like — they’re about being with your family.

Christmas is also a time to be thankful and to count your blessings. Do you know what Eskimos do for Christmas? The whole village comes together on Christmas Day for a communal meal of whale meat, caribou, seal and walrus. See? You are so blessed that you’re not an Eskimo.

Have you ever tried to catch a caribou, a seal and a walrus all in the same morning? It’s a nightmare. Then, when you’re all tired and sweaty, you have to drag them back, clean them, cook them, then sit on an ice ledge, probably next to his sister, and gnaw on seal meat, which is like totally fatty.

You can also be thankful you live here and not in Denmark. Do you know what they do there? The Danish version of Christmas elves are mischievous little pixies that live in your attic and walls. To keep the pixies from playing nasty tricks, you put out bowls of rice pudding — their favorite food — in the attic.

That means if you were Danish, you would have to deal with your in-laws and the pixies in the attic, who are taunting you and gulping down rice pudding. Clearly, something else to be thankful for, although I would probably go with the pixies over the seal meat. By the way, do you know why they call a sweet roll a “Danish”? Neither do I.

Here’s something else I don’t know: Why do they make certain things during the holidays and never at any other time — like eggnog or pfefferneuse cookies?

Do you mean to tell me no one has ever sat on a beach in August and said, “Great wine, love the cheese, but I would give anything for a pfefferneuse cookie right now”? Why is that not allowed? Who decides these things?

While we’re at it see if you can decide this: What is the world’s best known and most widely translated Christmas carol? If you didn’t say “Silent Night,” go to your room and don’t come out until Easter.

It’s been translated into more than 180 languages since it was written in 1818. Did you know Oliver Cromwell banned Christmas carols in England between 1649 and 1660? Not a lot of people do. Cromwell said Christmas should be a somber occasion and that singing carols was frivolous and disrespectful. What a poop.

But here is the best way I know of to eliminate those holiday blahs. If all else fails, just go to the Balboa Bay Club. We were there Wednesday night for the kickoff for the Boat Parade hosted by the Newport Beach Conference and Visitors Bureau. That’s the 101st Annual Newport Beach Boat Parade, by the way. Can you believe that? I can’t.

The Balboa Bay Club is a stylish, happenin’ place on your basic Tuesday afternoon in April, but at the holidays, it is the jewel in Newport’s crown. Christmas spirit? I’ll give you Christmas spirit. It’s as if Santa decided to just hang out at the Bay Club until he cranks up the sled on Christmas Eve.

The place is a galaxy of white lights inside and out, with sparkling, twinkly things at every turn and two of the most ginormous gingerbread houses I have ever seen, large enough for two adults and two children to live in, at least until the Danish pixies show up, and more special events and holiday menus than you can shake a stick at, but don’t do that because you’ll put someone’s eye out. If the Bay Club doesn’t chase away those holiday blues, your chaser is broken.

I think that’s it. Everything you need for a traditional, nouveau, high-energy, low-stress Christmas: Silent Night, seal meat, Oliver Cromwell and pfefferneuse. Have the best holiday ever, and God bless us every one. Oh, and don’t forget the rice pudding for the pixies. They’re no fun when they’re cranky. I gotta go.

PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Sundays. He may be reached at ptrb4@aol.com.