Recovering from ill self-perception

There was a point where Allie didn’t know where she was, who she was or why she was doing what she was doing — starving herself, then stuffing herself, then, as clinical experts like to say, “voiding” herself.

That is, running to the bathroom to throw up, “bingeing and purging.”

“I was doing it when I was living alone in college and nobody was around,” said Allie, 21, whose last name is being withheld to protect her identity. “It got to the point where I was so weak that I’d end up blacking out afterward. Then after that, I’d start to drink.”

That was in Denver a couple of years ago. One vice lead to another while she was attending college and learning how to become a pastry chef. That career was cut short after Allie recognized one day that she was just too sick to do anything except buy an airplane ticket back home to Santa Rosa, Calif., where her parents awaited her with open arms.

These days, her home is the Victorian, a treatment facility for women with eating disorders on the Balboa Peninsula. The center is operated by Sober Living by the Sea, a drug abuse treatment facility. Allie’s parents found the Victorian online.

For 60 days, and in the company of five other similar-thinking women, Allie said she has learned that there is more to life than trying to match her weight to her height; there’s more to life than obsessing over how much, or how little, she eats.

At 5 feet and change, Allie doesn’t know how much she weighs. It’s no longer important.

What’s important is that she’s not using food as a means to an end to feel better, whether it’s getting that hunger pang and feeling good about having an empty stomach; or loving the feeling of a full stomach just moments before she’s about to purge in the bathroom.

“When I was young,” she said, “I always ate to fill a void, but now I know that there’s much more to life than just trying to look good. It’s all about feeling good about yourself.”

It’s a philosophy instilled in her by the staff at the Victorian, a decade-old, around-the-clock treatment facility. Women ages 18 to 55 are treated, although most are 19 to 23, said Paige Willard, who deals with clinical outreach and admissions.

The Victorian is so well known that the staff has been approached about making a reality TV show.

But the staff, in what has always been a collaborative effort, said it turned down such offers.

“The patients here come first,” said Michele Lob, the home’s clinical director and psychologist. “I don’t think being on television is going to help anybody here. The last thing we need here are cameras. It’s all about trusting yourself and loving yourself and not just becoming a number.”

In fact, when the women at the Victorian are weighed, they are turned around on the scale so they cannot see their weight.

It’s simply not important, Lob said. What’s essential, she adds, is that they feel healthy, are living a balanced life and eating three balanced meals a day.

Whereas there was a time when Allie was accustomed to eating just about everything under the sun, or limiting herself to small portions of vegetables and turkey, she is now eating smart portions of protein, fat, starch, vegetables and fruit — a change in her diet she never thought was possible.

“My parents put me on Weight Watchers when I was 10 years old, so that might give you an idea of what it was like growing up in my family,” she said. “I’ve been conscious about my weight ever since I was a little kid.”

But those feelings of emptiness and insecurity are ebbing and these days are mostly spent preparing for the future.

“I think I’m going to try and stay in the area and work at a chocolate/coffee shop,” Allie said. “I’ve got my car now. It’s just a matter of finding a job.”

Lob said if women have trouble with eating and feel they have a disorder, they should contact the Victorian.

“What we teach here is pretty simple, and it’s easy to follow,” she said. “It’s all about ‘honesty,’ ‘integrity’ and ‘accountability.’ Those are the principles I follow.”