In Theory:

On April 16, Azim Khamisa, a San Diego-area investment banker, gave a talk at Irvine Valley College about his experience with losing his son, Tariq, 20, to a gangbanger’s bullet in January 1995. Khamisa has started a foundation to find ways to end gang violence through peace-building programs offered at schools. Rather than condemn his son’s convicted killer, Tony Hicks, who was 14 at the time of the slaying and is serving a prison sentence for it, Khamisa has since met with Hicks and forgiven him for taking his only son’s life. During his speech, Khamisa told the students that seeking retribution through an “eye for an eye” approach does not take away the pain of losing a loved one to an act of violence, nor does it bring justice or eliminate the scourge of violence.

What do you make of this philosophy? Can all killers can be forgiven? Is it spiritually possible to forgive not just the murderous gang banger, but even the serial killer or genocidal murderer?

Azim spoke at our center about eight years ago and was very effective in helping and inspiring others to learn how to forgive. Forgiveness is not about diminishing the responsibility criminals must take for their crimes. Instead, forgiveness is about releasing the toxic nature of hate and resentment that can have serious side effects upon the friends and family of the victim. Most us do not have to deal with such monstrous crimes, but all of us have to deal with the poisonous nature of hate and helplessness.

I remember something Maya Angelou said shortly after the Columbine tragedy: “What if just one person showed some kindness to those young men, maybe that would have been enough to deter their behavior.”

Forgiveness is essential to peace of mind, and there is no other cure for the hate and helplessness that infects so many families and friends.

Jim Turrell

Center for Spiritual Living

When people hurt us, and when people hurt those we love, we want to get even. We want to settle the score, to get justice, to punish them for all the hurt they caused us. I think this is the human way.

But there is an ironic twist. The quest for retribution destroys our souls long before we see any results of our quest. Our plans for getting even are acid on our hearts. God always has a different plan. We forget that “an eye for an eye” started as a limitation of retribution, not as a justification for punishment. The “eye for an eye” rule meant one could no longer destroy someone’s village just because they insulted your clothes.

Then there are Jesus’ words. Love your enemy. Pray for those who hurt you.

Be at peace with those who seek to do you harm. Nor did he simply say the words.

While dying on the cross, he forgave the people who placed him on the cross.

God always forgives. God invites us to share in God’s way, and God will give us the imagination, power and strength to do this impossible task.

Pastor Mark Wiley

Mesa Verde United Methodist Church

Christians are to be truth-tellers: to face evil head-on and be unwilling to dispense cheap grace; to pull the railroad ties out of our own eyes so that we can see clearly to help take the toothpicks out of a neighbor’s eye; to hold ourselves to the same set of expectations that we have for others so that we can all stand on equal footing before God, desperate for forgiveness.

As Gandhi said, “if we practice ‘an eye for an eye’, the whole world will go blind.”

As Khamisa has witnessed, there is no free forgiveness. It is a process, a journey, that begins with non-retaliation, moves through sorrow and contrition to repentance, and ends with compassion. Forgiveness is a commitment to live risking while struggling with the reality that protection is sometimes the wise choice. Forgiveness doesn’t work unless accompanied by honesty.

(The Very Rev’d Canon) Peter D. Haynes

Saint Michael & All Angels Episcopal Church

Corona del Mar

If I hurt another, I must seek and earn the direct forgiveness of the one I hurt. In the case of one I murdered, I could beseech forgiveness at the grave but my pleas would be met with silence.

No one else can forgive the murderer — not the parent, spouse, sibling or child of the victim. You might say that forgiving a murderer exalts our humanity. I would counter that forgiving a murderer trivializes the enormity of the crime. Where did we get the arrogant idea that we have the right to forgive crimes committed against others? What cheap grace!

Even if the murderer demonstrates “remorse,” becomes “rehabilitated,” or finds “religion,” it is all irrelevant because murder is irrevocable. God, of course, can forgive murderers in the next life. Our job is to make sure that God has the opportunity to do so at the earliest possible moment.

Rabbi Mark S. Miller

Temple Bat Yahm

Newport Beach

They say “forgiveness is the key to the kingdom,” and I believe this must be true. Forgiveness is not so much for the one forgiven, but for the one who forgives. I think it can be one of the most difficult things to do. It requires us to let go in a way that opens us up to raw vulnerability. To forgive is rarely an easy task, and so to forgive a murderer is a task that must seem insurmountable. Through prayer, struggle, meditation and God’s grace, one can forgive even the most heinous of crimes. I don’t think it is something that happens in a moment, but that forgiveness requires a journey. As arduous as the process may be, I believe that God’s peace can permeate and offer the healing that can only come when we forgive.

The Rev. Sarah Halverson

Fairview Community Church

This reminds me of the late Pope John Paul II’s forgiveness of the man who attempted to murder him in 1981. The Holy Father visited the gunman in jail and forgave him for this heinous act. Khamisa is acting in a similar way. How heart wrenching it must have been for him to lose his only son in such a manner. Instead of harboring bitter resentment against the killer, he approached this tragedy in a positive way.

Somehow, good will come out of a tragic situation. Khamisa’s actions show that even the worst sinner can be forgiven. It is not always easy to forgive others for small matters, but it is magnanimous to forgive someone who takes the life of a close loved one.

Fr. Stephen Doktorczyk

St. Joachim Church