Hansen: Laguna secretly dislikes outsiders

After six years as a resident of Laguna Beach, it has finally dawned on me: We really don’t like outsiders all that much.

Let me explain.

Except for business owners who rely on tourists, locals would rather be left alone. Think about it.

June gloom can be your first metaphor. If there is one month that defines the real spirit of Laguna, it is this marine layer that acts like a shield to keep people away. Most locals love the marine layer because it’s cool, we can wear something other than shorts and there are not hordes of people downtown taking our dinner tables.

At 2:45 in the afternoon when the sun peeks out, we can easily get some rays at the beach, walk the dog or tend the garden. At about 4:30 or so when the sun retreats, that’s fine; we’ve had our vitamin D for the day.

It’s like living in Seattle only without the rain.

But it’s not just the weather. Think about all the ways we make it uncomfortable for outsiders.

Truth be told, the reason we don’t improve our traffic situation is it’s a natural governor. Outsiders know that traffic in Laguna is bad so right off the top, 50% of potential visitors stay away.

Better for us.

We’ve had bad summer parking for years. Why do you think we haven’t done anything about it? The better question is, why should we? Locals either walk or have a parking sticker, so we don’t need extra parking.

And if outsiders do come into town, we have heavy-handed parking cops who ticket them if they are 30 seconds over the limit.

So traffic, parking and enforcement are all related, and we have them covered nicely.

We keep bicyclists out too by making it impossible to ride anywhere.

While we’re at it, we ban skateboarders too.

And pedestrians can walk at their own risk.

If outsiders manage to get close to Laguna and stop at the nature trails, we make sure to kick them out early — or confiscate their vehicles — by closing the gates at an inconvenient 5 p.m. Granted, the city does not control the parks, but outsiders don’t know that.

Laguna likes to think of itself as a progressive town, but ask yourself how often we say “no.” If you evaluate our brand or reputation from the perspective of nearby inlanders, who by the way account for most of our summer traffic, then we have a problem.

Or do we?

We are succeeding in keeping people out, which I believe might be our unspoken goal. As a result, we have not had to invest in heavy infrastructure. For example, we haven’t turned Laguna Canyon into a mini-freeway.

We have not had to invest in any significant parking. The recent plan to build a mega-building by city hall is years away, and it’s doubtful to help considerably with the tourist volume.

Consider for a second whether people will want to walk from the beach to the Village Entrance, which on a hot day will seem like Corona, schlepping coolers, chairs and sunburned kids.

Probably not.

As a result, we will have rickshaw companies start up during the summer to move people around. Oh wait, that won’t happen either because we don’t have bike lanes.

If we are honest, Laguna is a town filled with isolationists. We like it small and tailored to our own internal lifestyle — not outsiders.

Sure, we love the tourists but please go home at a reasonable hour.

Don’t make too much noise at the bars.

Take your trash with you.

Stay off the reefs.

Keep things as they are.

We like it that way.

Oh, and Laguna loves you.

DAVID HANSEN is a writer and Laguna Beach resident. He can be reached at davidhansen@yahoo.com.