Column: Christmastime civility would go a long way

This Christmas I am wishing for a gift that requires no shopping and costs nothing, yet it’s precious beyond anything that can be purchased in a store.

I’m hoping for more kindness.

It’s strange that even at this special time of year — particularly at this time of year, it often seems — this quality is frequently in short supply. While it’s true that the holiday season can be stressful and our patience levels are tested, isn’t this exactly when we are meant to focus that much more intently on compassion and generosity?

I’ve been thinking overtime about this lately, and even more so after hearing about my niece’s recent experience while shopping at a big-box retailer.

She was in line to check out, her two young daughters in tow, when the woman working the register began chastising an elderly customer for making the mistake of thinking she could purchase just one poinsettia plant from a set of four.

Instead of gently pointing out the error, the checker made a show of it. She rolled her eyes, shoved items around in an exaggerated fashion, and in an annoyed tone of voice, proclaimed how “sorry” she was to hold up the other customers in line.

The elderly woman looked mortified and apologized to those waiting behind her, at which point my kind young relative spoke up. She told the woman that there was no need to apologize, that it wasn’t a big deal, and that she often causes others to wait while she wrangles her children.

I imagine most of us have been in the equivalent of each role in this little drama and can easily picture the scene. To be fair, it’s altogether possible that the checker was a good person who was having a bad day, and the poinsettia plant incident sent her over the edge. Maybe she later regretted her actions.

After learning about this story, I thought about an episode of my own several years ago when I was the one who needed a lesson in kindness.

It was just before Christmas, and I was going through a period of stress and anxiety. On a particularly angst-filled day there was a mix-up with my catering order at a local restaurant, and that was my tip over the edge. I responded rudely to the servers who were waiting on me.

Later that evening I felt like trash, and my shame was compounded when I realized that the ordering error had been mine. Even if it hadn’t been, my behavior was inexcusable. I needed to apologize.

So that’s what I did. The next day I went back to the restaurant, handed an envelope stuffed with a fat tip to the nice young woman who had helped straighten out my order, and told her how sorry I was for acting like an ogre.

I’ll never forget her kind response. We all have bad days, she said, and she told me about a recent shopping experience she’d had when she had grown testy and impatient. We ended the conversation with a hug. I was forgiven, but to this day my cheeks still burn with embarrassment when I think about how rude I had been.

Since then, I’ve tried to work harder on being kind. It shouldn’t be difficult; indeed it should be the easiest thing in the world.

I remind myself continually to slow down and hold the door for those behind me, and thank those who hold the door for me. Even if I’m waiting in an agonizingly slow line, I check my urge to gripe. I try to smile more and be more gracious and grateful.

Am I always successful? Not by a long shot.

I still too often find myself inclined toward impatience and indulge in too many of those loaded eye rolls and dramatic huffs of disdain when the world doesn’t bend to my needs and desires. When it comes to kindness, I’m still a work in progress. But I’m determined to keep striving for improvement.

It’s no secret that we’re living in a highly polarized world. We confine ourselves to our cocoons, hardened in our opinions and certain that our priorities are more pressing than those of others. We name-call, and jump to unfair, or at least uninformed, conclusions about each other. Never mind kindness, even a little more civility would go a long way.

But it’s Christmastime, and I’m hoping for more.

I’ve long since abandoned my fantasy of experiencing a magical perfect Christmas. We humans aren’t meant for perfection, and some things will no doubt fail to meet expectations. My cookies will be dry, my gifts sloppily wrapped, and I’ll get sizes wrong again. I’ll harrumph at holiday traffic and wish I could have worn that cute sweater but, hey, it’s 80 degrees outside.

None of it matters.

What does matter is how we treat each other. This year, I’m putting kindness at the top of my list. That’s what I want for my Christmas gift, and what I’m going to do my best to give to others.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all.

PATRICE APODACA is a former Newport-Mesa public school parent and former Los Angeles Times staff writer. She lives in Newport Beach.