Commentary: I imagine senior speed dating would sound like this

It recently came to my attention that a local senior center is planning a “speed dating” event for the 65-plus crowd.

For those of you who’ve never heard this term, it’s a process that allows singles an opportunity to meet multiple potential matches at one place at a scheduled time.

It involves short, commonly 3- to 5-minute sessions, at which time you ask questions of each other to determine compatibility. At the end of the evening, you can exchange contact information, if you choose. In this case, it involves 15 women and 15 men.

It’s a great idea, and if I didn’t already have a “very significant other,” I would be a participant.

But I would love to be a fly on the wall! The funny bone in me sparked an imagined dialogue. Let’s call them Alice and Ralph.

A: Hi, I’m Alice.

R : And I’m Ralph. Nice to meet you.

A: So what brought you here, Ralph?

R: A cab. I have very poor night vision.

A: Uh, not quite what I meant, but you just answered my second question. So where do you live?

R: Irvine.

A: Retirement home? Senior living?

R: No, just a small place. Actually, it’s a bedroom in my daughter’s house. She doesn’t trust me to live alone anymore. Must have had something to do with the grease fire.

A: Oh, I know all about trust. My daughter doesn’t trust me to drive anymore. Last month, she took away my car keys just because I can’t see over the dashboard anymore. Joke’s on her; she forgot I always keep an extra key in the freezer.

R: Good thinking! So where are your doctors located? Maybe we can carpool.

A and R: (in unison) 520 Superior Ave. (Both laugh)

R: I had a feeling we’d be compatible!

A: Speaking of doctors, how many medications do you take?

R: You don’t want to know. Let’s just say, more than 10 and less than 20.

A: So, Ralph, what keeps you busy beside doctor appointments?

R: I play golf once a week. Nine holes or whenever I lose all the balls, whichever comes first. And you?

A: I belong to a fitness club. Yesterday, I bent, twisted and lifted. After 15 minutes, I could barely get up from the chair.

R: And each night I take a brisk walk between the refrigerator and the couch.

A: So, you look like a man who gets a good pension check.

R: Well, enough for a few trips to Souplantation and the movies each week.

A: Happy hour or early bird?

R: Always early bird. To me, happy hour is a nap!

A: Well, you sound like my kind of guy. Now, my next question is very personal. Do you still like to pray?

R: Only before surgeries. Or is that a code word for something else?

A: Speaking of surgeries, any replacement parts? Knees? Hips?

R: Nope, everything’s the original, except the teeth. Like an old car, my frame’s a little rusty, but I still get decent mileage. My turn to ask a question, Alice. Do you tweet, text or e-mail?

A: No, I just talk, a dying art. I even write letters, the kind with stamps. Gotta keep the postmen employed! (Bell rings)

R : Uh, oh, that means we’ve got to move on. We should really get together sometime.

A and R (in unison): Sunday, 4 p.m. at Coco’s? (Big smiles)

This is an attempt to be humorous about aging, but I know in reality, that the questions and responses of the participants will be intelligent and in good taste. My best wishes to all of them on finding their next true love!

As the late, famed actress Helen Hayes said, “Age is not important unless you are a cheese!”

TERRI GOLDSTEIN lives in Newport Coast.