Commentary: Late-life divorce is increasingly accepted

As highly experienced clinical psychologists, we are in the unique position to recognize shifts in behavior patterns over time. Over the last few years, we have noticed an upsurge locally in what is called “grey divorce.”

Grey divorce involves partners who have had long-term marriages and are from their late 40s into their 70s. They have grown into maturity together but have, for a number of reasons, finally decided to divorce.

Later-life divorce is increasingly more common and socially acceptable. According to the National Center for Family and Marriage Research, statistics indicate grey divorce is on the rise. For people between the ages of 55 and 64, the 2010 data indicate the divorce rate has more than doubled compared to the 1990 divorce rate data. For people 65 and older, the rates have tripled, while other age groups have remained steady or decreased.

What accounts for the increase in divorce for this age group? One factor is that Baby Boomers have been changing the patterns of their parents, including remaining in a loveless marriage. While their parents often chose to remain in unhappy and unfulfilling marriages for life, Boomers refuse to continue this generational pattern.

A second reason is that the children of Boomers are now out of the family home, so staying together for children is no longer a viable excuse.

Another reason is that divorce has become more acceptable, losing its previous social stigma. With at least half of all marriages at some time ending in divorce, it is viewed as more the norm than as an individual or couple disgrace.

The changing status of women is an important factor in the increase in divorce, as women are now in the majority of those who initiate later-life divorce. Women have grown psychologically stronger, no longer as willing to tolerate a bad marriage. They have higher expectations for their relationships and, unlike their mothers, refuse to live a life of “quiet desperation.”

They have become less reliant on men for economic survival, with higher percentages of women earning enough to be able to afford to live on their own. The disparity in incomes between men and women still exists, although the gap between them has lessened. Half of women from 50 to 65 years old are employed with their own income source.

It is essential that when couples begin noticing signs of emotional and sexual distancing, mutual dissatisfaction, poor communication and loss of interest in each other, they get help before their problems become impossible to repair. The longer couples wait to get help, typically the more difficult it is for counseling to successfully help put the pieces back together again.

But for couples thinking of divorce, don’t give up on your marriage at least until you’ve taken the step to get professional help. Because with a lifetime of shared experience, a modicum of mutual good faith between partners, and a willingness to face their problems head-on, we have assisted hundreds of couples in regaining a more fulfilling marriage.

Newport Beach residents STEVEN and DEBORAH HENDLIN are licensed clinical psychologists.