Keeping the nuclear family the top priority

KIMBERLIE ZAKARIAN

Think it takes a village to raise a child? We’ve had family vacations

with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins all in tow. I have

thought, this is so much easier than doing it on my own! Some

cultures make a way of life out of having the extended family under

one roof. One of my best friends lived this way in Pakistan for 13

years.

“Many hands make light work.” We’ve all heard this phrase. In some

cases I suppose it is convenient. But there is a time and place for

devotion and focus on our nuclear family.

The nuclear family consists of parents and their children

functioning as a unit under one roof. The emotional health of this

family component is crucial to its survival. But sometimes, even as

adults with our own families, we can become wrapped up in the

dynamics of family members outside our home. This becomes unhealthy

when we literally become meshed or tangled with them.

If there is any dysfunction in these outside relationships, we

have trouble separating ourselves and it affects our own household

and can be destructive. The Lord made it clear that a man is to leave

his mother and father and join his wife to become one flesh (Genesis

2:24). This means that a man is to separate himself from the

protective guardianship of his parents and establish a new family

unit with his wife. This entity is to be respected.

As adults, we can become codependent with parents, siblings’

families, or our in-laws. The result of this can mar our own

household. There is a delicate line between “being there” for other

family members and maintaining our loyalty to our nuclear family.

The goal of achieving healthy relationships with family outside

our household is not to isolate other members of our family but to

become interdependent.

This means that we stand on our own as a nuclear family and remain

loyal, complete and strong. Then we are able to relate to other

family members in a healthy manner, drawing the appropriate lines if

they are coming between our spouse and ourselves or causing friction

that creates harmful dynamics within our nuclear family.

In this day and age, it might seem that dysfunction is on the

rise. But I believe that dysfunctional families have always existed.

We have simply become more aware of dysfunction, talk about it

openly, and are not willing to live and die with abuse. Nowadays,

when someone recognizes dysfunction from their past, they are more

apt to give themselves permission to seek freedom and health.

This means calling abusive behavior what it is and choosing to be

healed. This process might not require that we completely isolate

those afflicting us. In many cases, we can remain courteous, yet

distant, so we are able to put our real energy into our nuclear

family.

We have two chances in life to have healthy parent-child

relationships: one with our parents, one with our children. And it is

God’s will that we keep our marriages intact as well (Matthew 19:6).

It takes moral fiber and wisdom on our part to draw lines to protect

our spouse, our children and ourselves. We need to do our best to

prevent anything from coming in between these relationships.

God wants us to guard our nuclear family with all our being. We

need to be diligent in preserving these relationships and staying

emotionally healthy ourselves. When we have accomplished this, we are

better equipped to do God’s work effectively -- something for us all

to ponder.

* The REV. KIMBERLIE ZAKARIAN’S column runs alternating Fridays.

Contact her by e-mail at HolyHouse9@aol. com; or by mail at Holy

House Ministries c/o the Rev. Kimberlie Zakarian, 9641 Tujunga Canyon Blvd., Tujunga, CA 91042.