In Theory: Why can’t celebrities seem to stay married?

Singer Sinead O’Connor is the latest star to file for divorce, something she did after just 16 days of marriage. She soon changed her mind, but apparently divorce did seem a solution to at least some of her problems. Kim Kardashian’s union with Kris Humphries lasted 72 days, and Katy Perry’s marriage to comedian Russell Brand is ending after two months.

Last year seemed to be a high point for celebrity splits, with many stars filing for divorce.

Experts and columnists give many reasons why celebrity marriages end in divorce. Relationship expert Andrea Syrtash said, “Long shooting days, months on the road and a seemingly endless array of options and suitors make it tough for high-profile actors and celebrities to stay focused on their marriages.”

Others put it down to the pressures of being in the spotlight, with every move scrutinized by the press, rumors of affairs in the media and the pair’s often diverging careers.

Some, however, are more cynical, pointing to the huge amounts of publicity and, in some cases, money a wedding can bring; Kardashian is reported to have made almost $18 million from selling the TV and magazine rights to her ceremony, although she denies making anything at all.

Robert Paul of the National Institute of Marriage says that celebrity unions are a good guide for the public on how not to conduct a relationship, and that they are tainting the institute of marriage in the eyes of the public. “It appears to the public that many of these celebrities don’t take it very seriously. It seems like they approach marriage … as if they are throwaway kind of relationships,” he told The Christian Post.

Why do you think many celebrity marriages fail so fast?

There is a corny old joke about the Hollywood starlet who marries and divorces a different husband every year for seven years. When a friend asks her why she’s behaving this way, the starlet says, “I’m majoring in annual husbandry.”

In all seriousness, breakups are not funny, whether they occur among celebrities or ordinary folk. I can remember when Hedy Lamar and Rita Hayworth made the news because of their umpteen marriages, and I remember asking my dad why it seemed like so many Hollywood people got divorced. He had a good answer for me at the time. He said that it was hard to stay married to the same woman if every week or every month you were making a movie in which you were kissing another lovely woman.

While my Father’s answer may have satisfied me then, the whole issue of marriage/divorce reminds me that loving somebody is hard work. Yes, it’s fun and fulfilling to love someone, but it remains hard work.

All sorts of stresses work against one’s marriage: bad economy or shortage of money, family irritations such as obnoxious in-laws, children who are having trouble at school with drugs, gangs, or even math, and myriad other factors.

One of the authors of books I read for sermon ideas says that there is a reason we take wedding vows: Life is not always hunky-dory, and so while we’re gazing into each other’s eyes at the ceremony, the minister or clergy person has each of us promise to do things when events turn out to be not so wonderful as today seems to be. That’s why the words “honor and cherish” are in there. That’s why the words “in sickness and in health” are in there. That’s why the words “for richer or poorer” are in there.

We pledge vows to each other because we know that hard times may be coming, and the hope is that the vows we made to each other will see us through the storms that lie along the way. People who marry and divorce at the drop of a hat — or some other article of clothing — don’t really understand how to love. Love is hard work and it involves pain and frustration. God knows. Christians believe his love for us cost him a death on the cross.

The Rev. Skip Lindeman

La Cañada Congregational Church

La Cañada

To begin with, a successful, sustained marriage isn’t easy for any couple. In marriage, God unites a man and a woman, each of whom has by nature an inclination toward selfishness. Add to that the requirements of life-long fidelity (both physical and emotional), making a living in a difficult economy, raising children (from infancy though the twos and teens and then paying for college), and dealing with various other bumps in the road, and you’ve got the recipe for great challenges.

Every celebrity couple faces most of the same challenges, but because of their situations, have additional ones, as well. Others idolize them in public, but when they come home, they’re just people who have to learn to get along with each other, warts and all. The constant, close public scrutiny they face, in addition to the lies often circulated about them, puts a unique pressure on their relationships. The fact that they are viewed as desirable and attractive by so many people creates (I would imagine) unique temptations to, and opportunities for, infidelity. That’s probably just a tip of the iceberg, and I’m sure there are more as well.

Is that all part of the package a celebrity signs up for? I suppose, but it also draws attention to the universal need for God’s help to live a happy, balanced life. No person is so humble that Jesus Christ won’t help him. No person is so great that he doesn’t need Jesus Christ. Yes, even the stars need “the bread of God … which comes down out of heaven, and gives life to the world” (John 6:33).

Pastor Jon Barta

Valley Baptist Church

Burbank

Ah, yes, poor Katy and Russell. I am so glad that they will still be friends. Whatever.

Like other commentators, I have to wonder with sadness about the dearth of character that is revealed in a super-hyped, super-short celebrity marriage. I also share the cynicism of those who see these stunt marriages as part of a normalized celebrity publicity strategy. I can’t pretend to understand celebrity culture, so I just note as a pastor that fame must present a distorted set of incentives and priorities that can lead one far off the path of true wisdom.

But I don’t have to follow anyone down the path of foolishness, and neither do you. I don’t even have to watch them walking down the path of foolishness, and neither do you. Why should any of us care about the reasons for a celebrity divorce? These people do not present themselves as role models. They are doing whatever they think is important to them, whether that be looking for love, seeking financial security, or promoting their own careers. When we spend time on their lives, pretending that they could be our lives, or that we are in their inner circles of sympathetic friends, we escape the messiness of our own lives and put off the hard work of understanding what is happening in our actual relationships and beyond: our economy, our political system and our environment.

Chris Hedges wrote a great book entitled, “Empire of Illusion: The End of Literacy and the Triumph of Spectacle.” He points out how desirable it is to those who are wielding actual power in the world for the rest of us to be completely absorbed by fantasy, even as economic fraud and injustice eat away at our real lives; our political system is reduced to corporate-financed theater; and the earth is used up for short-term gains.

Don’t be fooled. We can spend our time caring about our “friends” Kim, Kris, Ashton and Demi, or we can wisely invest our energies in the difficult but very real work of growing in love and repairing the world.

The Rev. Paige Eaves

Crescenta Valley United Methodist Church

Montrose

In my view, the reason many celebrity marriages fail so quickly and spectacularly is because stardom can fuel narcissistic traits that are detrimental to the marriage union. Under the wedding canopy, we are asked to dedicate ourselves entirely to another person and commit to love and accept each other with all our heart and soul. For a self-centered individual who is accustomed to the fawning attention of thousands and who usually has every wish and whim fulfilled, this is an almost impossible undertaking.

What surprises me more than the astronomically high divorce rate among superstars is the fact that there are a few of these prominent figures who actually seem to maintain normal family lives. We should be asking these individuals how they manage to keep their marriages intact despite all the pressure. Knowing the secret to their success may actually help other celebrities achieve the same goal.

I feel strongly that parents should recognize that many of these stars have extremely shallow personalities and serve as bad influences on our children. It is essential that we do not let our kids idolize them or accept them as role models. I know it’s very difficult to insulate our young ones from the extraordinary status conferred upon these media stars; nevertheless, it’s important that children understand that being a talented actor or athlete does not ensure a morally sound character. A person’s skill as an entertainer or sports figure has no correlation to their integrity or virtue — and we often see individuals who are very gifted in some respects but sorely lacking when it comes to core values.

Rabbi Simcha Backman

Chabad Jewish Center

Glendale

As someone who is not a celebrity, it is hard for me to imagine what it would be like to be in that category. However, as a minister who has performed many wedding ceremonies, and as a woman who has been married twice, I know that marriage is not always trouble-free and that it requires both patience and compromise. Even when both partners are committed to the relationship, seemingly insurmountable difficulties may arise.

Imagine, then, the additional pressures that celebrities must face. An obvious factor in celebrity marriages is the reality that these relationships are played out in the public arena, surrounded by media frenzy. Most of us don’t have our private lives broadcast to the world, or have to worry about being mobbed by adoring fans everywhere we go. And it seems that there is very little time for celebrities to be alone with each other in ways that can nurture a lasting bond, even with all the financial advantages they may have.

In addition to all those external pressures, there are the internal ones. As a person whose previous career was involved with the theater for a number of years, I am very aware that performers often are very different sorts of people from the rest of us. Taking on the persona of another character in a play, movie, or musical performance requires someone to stretch his or her personality and then return to normal life. Further, to rise to the height of celebrity, superstars must have substantial egos; and when two strong personalities are in a committed relationship, there are bound to be conflicts.

One thing that seems to be missing for many people who are getting married today is counseling and serious introspection before their weddings. I believe that if people who were going to be married spent more time in preparation with clergy or other professionals, rather than with wedding planners, more marriages would survive and thrive. My hope is that people will see the value of this effort in advance for the health of their marriages and their future together.

The Rev. Betty Stapleford

Unitarian Universalist Church

of the Verdugo Hills

La Crescenta

Life imitates art, and art imitates life. I’m afraid that’s where we are now in our culture. Half of all marriages supposedly end in divorce, and seemingly Hollywood is not much different. Maybe it offends more in multiples (I’m thinking of Billy Bob Thornton with his five divorces, but he certainly doesn’t hold the record in Tinseltown). We all see these stars fail at marriage but they seem to do pretty well in the aftermath, so I think it promulgates a temporary view of marriage for society. Nothing lasts forever, right? Well, marriage is supposed to last a lifetime, and it should grieve us to see it not do so.

Sharing a like faith is extremely important when considering marriage too, though it isn’t a guarantee; but having opposite religious persuasions is an almost sure fail. It only belies the foundational truth that neither person is really a faithful person. They may just have cultural religious identities, but what true believer would form such an unequal union? I’m thinking of preacher’s kid Katy Perry and Russell Brand, a Hindu. The Bible says, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?” (2Corinthians 6:14-15 NIV) And if neither party is particularly religious, shouldn’t we expect them to live life accordingly? What value will they give marriage without a divine value system?

When we think of moral people, I don’t think most of us initially name movie stars. After all, they show by example that they’ll sleep with anyone without the benefit of marriage. At least that’s what they portray onscreen without much moral difficulty, and it’s what they seem to live out in life. So marry or don’t, stay married or don’t — not seemingly important.

I do think celebrity marriage is more vulnerable because fame and fortune are in the mix, and what with prenuptial agreements, expensive expectations and the ubiquitous paparazzi, we have to pity these zillionaires somewhat. And it certainly doesn’t help them doing sexual scenes with other actors. Despite the theatrical pretense, these are real people stirring up real emotions, and they’re paid handsomely to do so. Is that something to imitate?

The Rev. Bryan Griem

Montrose Community Church

Montrose

No doubt celebrity marriages break up for some of the same reasons as the non-famous ones. Many U.S. marriages don’t last, period. The half of our marriages ending in divorce aren’t half of the married population, but are, as I understand it, a sub-set swirling in a Brownian-like motion of marriage, divorce, remarriage, divorce, repeat. Meanwhile, over in a still pool are many other marriages that go on and on.

To the extent that publicity-seeking is a cause for so many celebrity divorces, what role do we, the avid consumers of this so-called news, play? Publicity (and publicity stunts like Kim’s) need an audience.

To me, a larger question is why the married state is seen as being morally superior to being single, divorced or cohabiting.

Those of us who choose to —and manage to — stay married are not better people than are the serial marriers. Maybe stubborner. Maybe luckier. Maybe cheaper. Maybe “‘til death do us part” runs in families. I don’t know.

Marriage is a stabilizing factor in society and I believe that having children in the picture means that couples are more responsible for making it work. (Note: I am not saying that people should stay together for the children in cases of abuse.)

But really, why exalt being married on a pedestal of virtue? And even more puzzling and contradictory to me is that some of the marriage supporters would deny that status to an entire class of humans who sincerely want to marry.

As I write, a quick Internet search of “Sinead O’Connor + not divorcing” brings up 13 pages listing hundreds of media stories, and that number will no doubt have grown by the time you read this. Maybe if celebrity trivia didn’t pull in so many eyes, journalists would use the space to examine issues that matter.

Roberta Medford

Atheist

Montrose

I suppose it’s true that some celebrities are just plain shallow, just as some lawyers are actually ruthless, some doctors are overly clinical, and some priests are sanctimonious. But it’s rarely correct, and never kind, to reduce people to a cliché, so let’s try a little harder than that for an answer.

My theory is that celebrity marriages fail because they’re the ones in charge of The Myth.

Look at it this way: A lot of non-celebrity marriages fail because we Americans are in love with falling in love. Our movies and music, the cultural carriers of relational norms, are all about the front end of love — the earliest stages of finding that magical one who is the answer to all your dreams, then the pursuit and exploration and consummation of that fresh new love. This is our national myth of love: It’s all about finding love, all about the hunt.

And unfortunately for our divorce statistics, our desire for falling in love doesn’t always end, having found it. Many a marriage fails when one or the other spouse finds someone new to fall in love with. We can’t lay off the excitement of a new love, nor set aside our impulse to upgrade from a good love to a better one. We’re Americans: Moving on to the next thing that will make us happy is what we do.

If the rest of our marriages and divorces are so affected by the American myth of love, imagine if you’re the one in charge of the myth. When you’re the one whose job it is to make the myth of romance real for everyone else, how hard it must be to resist it yourself. And since celebrities have such odd patterns of living that they have to marry each other if they’re to have any chance at all, now you have two people in charge of the myth, the vision of seeking and finding ever-new and better love, trying to stick out the years with the same old tired love.

It’s a lot to ask.

Amy Pringle