Thoughts from Dr. Joe: The essence of trust

My wife, Kaitzer, had just returned from a long day interviewing perspective candidates for possible selection as the new principal for La Cañada Elementary School. She was part of the curriculum and instruction panel.

As she walked through the door carrying her briefcase, computer and goodies from Trader Joe’s, she was mobbed by the girls as though she was Taylor Swift.

“Mommy, where have you been?” they cried. I sensed they must have had their fill of me. Calmly, Kaitzer responded, “I’ve been helping select your next principal.” Excitedly, the girls asked her to tell them who their new principal would be.

Without hesitation Kaitzer responded, “I can’t tell you that.” The girls seemed a little perplexed and innocently asked, “Why can’t you, Mommy?” She told them she had promised not to, and further explained to the girls that as a member of the selection committee she was bound by her word to keep the trust of the committee.

Kaitzer is definitely not a ‘one slapper.’ A one slapper gives up the goods with the slightest provocation. I think she must have attended survival, evasion, resistance and escape (S.E.R.E.) training.

Realizing the girls needed a little more explanation, she continued: “When you say you are going to do something, you do it. When someone trusts you to keep your word, you keep it, and if you are able to keep your word that tells others that you are a person who is trustworthy.”

As I unpacked the groceries I thought what a great lesson it was for the girls. Kaitzer has a way of bringing the theoretical to the pragmatic by simply walking the walk.

Ancient thinkers tell us that to be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.

If you cannot trust in anything, life becomes intolerable, a constant battle against paranoia and looming disaster.

There are consequences to not keeping one’s word. The damage doesn’t just occur to oneself, but also to those who suffer loss from the broken promise. If someone promises something and does not follow through, then the individual who was counting on and put their faith in that person’s word learns mistrust. That lack of trust extends beyond the person who broke the promise.

Following this logic, the health of a society is affected. Therefore, the lack of integrity is a double-edged sword. It cuts both the giver and the receiver. The giver of the promise will no longer be trusted and can no longer work with the betrayed, based on the strength of that person’s word. Both parties have lost. The ripples of betrayal often extend beyond the two people, thus many people can be affected. Integrity is important at every level and in every aspect of society. Without integrity the very fabric of a system, unit or society can begin to crumble. Without integrity, what is a human being? A person loses everything through lack of integrity. In the end, one even loses self respect.

Honor is a special gift because it is the only gift that you give to yourself. Honor begins by keeping a trust. That’s why you keep a promise.

Let me leave you with a story I found scribbled in my journal.

A little girl and her father were crossing a bridge. Her dad said, “Sweetheart, please hold my hand so you don’t fall into the river.” The girl replied, “No, Dad, you hold my hand.” “What’s the difference?” asked the father. “There’s a big difference,” replied the little girl. “If I hold your hand and something happens, I may let your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what, you will never let my hand go.” In any relationship, the essence of trust is not in its bind, but in its bond.

JOE PUGLIA is a practicing counselor specializing in students transition to college. He is a professor of education at Glendale Community College and a former officer in the Marines. Reach him at captinjoey@yahoo.com or write him in care of the Valley Sun, P.O. Box 38, La Cañada, CA 91012.